Headspace.....

everytime...

2007-01-26T12:31:00.000-08:00

i sit down to write a post, i start....then stop....then start again.....then finally x out of the page.

for some reason, the words aren't flowing like they used to. i found a ton of my old journals the other day from when i lived in new york city. reading through them was the biggest trip....a good trip and a bad trip. good in that i wrote like a maniac every day...seeing the world differently then wanting to get it all out on paper. bad in that i was not in a good place most of the time. my eating was terrible...i'd have a binge...then not eat for 3 days or 'fast' to try and fix everything. i was angry..i was confused...i was trying so hard to earn the love of a god i never lost....

i was reading all these promises in the word of god...singing on stage every sunday at church with a big fake smile on my face...and dying on the inside. it's so great to document life....especially when you can go back and see how much you really have changed. it's super encouraging. i highly recommend it.

something profound...something profound...something profound....

hmmmm.....

let me have you do something. read this out loud...over yourself. put your name in the blank...and read it over yourself....

______________, i call your spirit to attention in the name of jesus of nazareth. listen wiht your spirit to god's promises in his word. 'for we are god's workmanship, created in christ jesus to do good works, which god prepared in advance for us to do.' (eph 2.10). your father has a purpose for you. i bless you with knowing your purpose as god has seen it in his heart. i bless you with being everything that god has designed you to be, because as you experience the joy of fulfilling your purpose, you will benefit, others will benefit, and the world will be blessed.' amen. (blessing your spirit: arthur burk)

xx, christa

comedians make me....

2007-01-12T22:57:00.000-08:00

well, mostly cringe....but in this case, laugh so hard my face hurt from smiling. dave barnes, brilliant musician, just did his debut stand-up comedy routine tonight in front of a room full of his friends and family, and my sides are going to be sore tomorrow. (www.davebarnes.com)

i seriously love to laugh. i forget sometimes how much i love to be silly...especially when things get so heavy. sometimes i forget that god, being a god of EVERYTHING....loooooves to laugh. if i'm created in his image...then isn't it funny to think about god loving to laugh....or sing....or be silly....or joke around. i've mostly known the serious, reverent, big guy in the sky who sits high on his throne and rules with fear and trembling.....but all that's beginning to change....

i've never had so much fun with god in my life. i've never run to him in EVERYTHING....in my silly times...in my goofy times....when i'm joking around by myself or laughing my head off. it's weird to think of god laughing...but i know he does. i think it's hilarious that people in church get so freaked out when people start to laugh in the presence of god. my bible says in his presence is 'fullness of JOY....' and i don't know about you, but when i get joyful....i can't help but laugh.

Psalm 16:11
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 21:6
Surely you have granted him eternal blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence.
Acts 2:28
You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence.'

so my middle name is joy....which literally means...'a FEELING of great joy or pleasure.'

god tells me that he WILL fill me with joy, or a FEELING of great joy or pleasure, in his presence. now i don't know about you, but i haven't met anyone who wouldn't want that. to constantly FEEL joy or great pleasure....to consistently be filled....

i'm learning....that if i'm walking in anything LESS than great joy...or love....or peace....patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control......then i'm walking OUTSIDE of the presence of god. if god tells me, he'll fill me with great joy in his presence...then when great joy is absense...i must be walking in something other than him.

wow.

isn't it amazing all he has for us? he doesn't WANT us to walk in pain. he doesn't WILL for us to walk in unrest....

his inheritance for us as his kids is so much more than we can ever ask or imagine........

off to bed, friends. and i'll talk more about THAT later tomorrow.....

nite nite. sleep tight...don't let the bed bugs bite....

and the truth is.....

2007-01-11T08:33:00.001-08:00

the truth is my best friend right now.

i had no idea how much i loved truth until this year...until i'd been lied to...until i realized the lies i was living under. until i realized i was a liar.

i'm just going to be gut-level honest right now. everyone has ways they deal with insecurity or fear. some people shy away and become complacent....some people kill themselves over-achieving. some people get louder in a group...some shy away in silence. for me...i dealt with my insecurity by always knowing the right people...always having the right friends...always getting into the green rooms or the coveted circles.

i went to passion this past week under the premise that christy nockles had a pass for me...which of course, was an all-access pass. when i got to atlanta, christy's phone had gone dead, and i had no way of getting in touch with her to get my pass. a friend miraculously had a few extra passes, getting me and a couple others through the door, but of course, there i was with the march of the college-age penguins. i was up in the nose-bleed section...having to wait in line like everyone else for a seat...and for lunch...for the toilet...for coffee. my 'status' was different than i was used to...because of course, i just get used to being back stage at concerts and conferences. and i have to admit...

i wasn't ok with it.

something in me all day felt...inferior. something in me struggled for significance....because my status...my identity had been taken away. all day long i would go into the bathroom and cry out to god...'WHAT IS THIS IN ME??? WHY IN THE WORLD AM I STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW JUST TO BE ONE OF THE CROWD???? LORD, PLEASE TAKE THIS OUT OF ME!!!!' i laid in bed that night and pleaded with god to get that root out of me...the root that finds my security in ANYTHING other than the fact that i am...and always will be.....loved by the god of the universe.

it's hard to ask yourself where your security comes from. it's hard to be honest with yourself sometimes. when i ask god to reveal to my heart what makes me tick...what makes me hold my head up high and feel confident in a crowd....sometimes i don't like what i see. sometimes it's because i finally lost 5 pounds and look good in my skinny jeans...sometimes it's because my hair looks good that day. sometimes it's because i have an all-access pass around my neck. sometimes it's because people think i'm cool because of the people i know....

but it's all sinking sand. at any moment....every one of those things can change. at any moment...my status..my looks...my job...my talents...my friends can change. if i'm getting my identity from anything other than the love of god....that he's called me and loved me and made me his own.....

my life will be a roller coaster.

"i waited patiently for the lord; and he inclined to me, and heard my cry.
he also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay,
and set my feet upon a rock,
and established my steps.'
psalm 40: 1-2

what foundation are you on today?

coffee and cigarettes.....

2007-01-10T12:08:00.000-08:00

two things that make your breath smell really bad. (:

haha. bet that got your attention. and no, i have nothing profound to say about coffee or cigarettes, except that both make your teeth turn yellow...which is why i drink my coffee through a straw. (no laughing, please)

i've moved. it's a bittersweet thing, really. the family i've been living with is probably one of the most loving, amazing, incredible, talented, hilarious families i've ever been around....but it was time for me to go. i'm probably more comfortable there than i am anywhere in the world...but the lord needed me somewhere else...so i packed my two suitcases, my instruments, my computer and my ipod, and headed across town.

with my move to new york...then to london...i hardly own anything anymore. people needed beds and tv's and george forman grills after the new orleans disaster, so i pretty much gave everything away. for years, i've lived like a gypsie. 'what country is christa in this month,' my family would ask......i moved like the wind....to and from place to place. but there's something in me that's settling. there's something in me that's longing for roots.

'he shall be like a tree plated by the rivers of water, that brings forth its fruit in its season, whose leaf also shall not wither, and WHATEVER he does, he prospers.' psalm 1:3

i know that in order to produce fruit in my life that is full of life....i have to be planted...i have to be rooted. i've been rooted in everything, from alcohol to eating disorders to drugs to cigarettes to lying to insecurity to boys to fear to you name it. i've been rooted in the things of this world...that produce nothing but death in me......

but in order to have life. to REALLY have life...to live and breathe and move and LIVE.....i have to be rooted in the right thing.

i've run in so many areas of my life for so long. it's our nature to run, i think. we want to try it our way before we just give in to the RIGHT way....and in the process, we come out with scars and bruises and breaks and falls. then when we're down in the pit, covered in our own blood....making our OWN choices to run away from god in the process, we get so angry with HIM in the pit screaming....'WHY DID YOU LET ME FALL???' haha. how funny is that. we're the one who made the choices not to listen to him in the first place...then we blame him for falling into a hole......

i'm learning to listen. to REALLY listen. i've tried it my way in so many areas of my life for so long....but something just hasn't worked. there's still a longing in me...there's still an emptiness in me that knows there's more....

so as i search for more...i'm going to write about it.

you may agree...you may disagree. that's absolutely fine with me. i just want to think...and make you think.....

which is never a bad thing...

xx, christa

i have no idea......

2006-12-29T18:51:00.000-08:00

i'm learning to become more and more comfortable with that phrase.

when i started making this album almost two years ago, i thought i knew exactly what was going to happen. i thought i'd make it...get signed...get to touring....and be on the road opening for sheryl crow by now. the year went slowly....i kept touring with michael w....and problem after problem occurred with the album. we'd record in and out of our crazy tour schedule...then my producers moved and built a studio...then had a baby...then i moved to new york...then london.....then we had the album mixed and it didn't work....then we had it remixed......

sigh. just reliving it makes me tired. (:

i thought i knew exactly how everything was going to go down. i thought i knew.........

i'm learning to hold onto things loosly. very loosely. my flight got canceled today into nashville...and during my 5 hour wait...i decided to look up a verse.

proverbs 13:12 says, 'hope deferred makes the heart sick.....'

it's amazing what can happen when you lose your hope. i think i had it in my head how everything was going to look...and held onto it so tightly...that when it didn't end up looking like that....my hope was deferred, and my heart got sick.

for the last year, i've sat in the waiting room....wondering if anything was ever going to happen. i was so full of zeal and faith at the beginning of the project....and the longer time went on, because my hope was in the outcome and not in the journey (and the giver of the journey), the more my heart retreated into the safety of numbness. it got easier and easier not to expect anything...because it was less painful than being disappointed.

but at the end of the day....what am i hoping for? i'm blessed with an album that i'm extremely proud of. i'm blessed with getting to do what i love...and that's to write about my life....to make others think about theirs.

so thank you....all of you....for helping me start this journey. thank you for believing in me...for helping me....for listening to me. thanks for your encouragement and your kind words.

my heart's not sick anymore...because i've finally surrendered the outcome to wherever the road needs to end. because i know it's going to end...in exactly the right place....

xx, christa